New Black Wristbands Designated For Visitors Condemned To Spend Eternity At Water Park

NEW BRAUNFELS, TX—Dooming parkgoers to an eternity of household enjoyable within the solar, a brand new black wristband was unveiled Friday for guests condemned to spend the remainder of time at Schlitterbahn Waterpark. “We’re completely happy to supply our new accursed black wristbands to these damned to endlessly wander the world’s largest and most eclectic assortment of water rides,” stated Schlitterbahn spokesperson Maggie Lee, including that for under $35 monthly, misplaced souls might wade the lazy river, stay trapped on downward-spiraling water slides, and benefit from the park’s many concessions eternally with no respite. “This raven-black wristband offers guests no selection however to discover the Grasp Blaster Uphill Water Coaster, Boogie Bahn Browsing Trip, Cliffhanger Tube Chute, and Bamboozle Bay Heated Pool for an infinite variety of years. A everlasting shackle upon the wrists of the blighted, it additionally entitles the wearer to 1 free foot-long chili-cheese canine basket throughout their endless keep in a watery jail of no escape.” Requested if reentry to the water park was permitted with black wristbands, Lee defined that wearers who tried to depart would have their souls ripped from their our bodies and lose all privileges on the swim-up bar.