DUBUQUE, IA—After a surprising report indicated some 528,000 jobs had been added to the U.S. financial system throughout July, the Labor Division confirmed Friday that unemployed native man Chris Gibson have to be extra of a loser than had been beforehand believed. “For months, we had assumed Chris was only a regular, out-of-work man who had fallen on laborious instances, however at this time’s proof of widespread job progress underscores precisely what a nugatory, pathetic sack of shit he’s,” mentioned Labor Secretary Marty Walsh, who added that unemployment had fallen to a historic, post-pandemic low of three.5%, making it clearer than ever that Gibson was lazy, dumb, and had completely zero prospects for the longer term. “With sturdy job good points throughout nearly each sector of the financial system, we will solely presume that Chris spends his complete day on the sofa doing nothing however sleeping, consuming, and watching TV. The reality of the matter is, People are getting employed every single day, with greater salaries besides. However not Chris. No, no, not Chris. He apparently has nothing to supply in any respect. God, what a fucking failure.” Walsh went on to state that ought to job progress proceed and the nation stave off a recession, nothing can be a stronger indicator that Gibson deserves to be crushed by a lifetime of grinding poverty, finally dying for lack of entry to healthcare.